the years gone by..

after two years.. my heart still aches whenever i think of her. and i still think of her. i could not stop thinking of her. i kept thinking of my childhood with her. my adolescent years with her. my adulthood with her. how i wish she's here telling me what i should do in my motherhood years.

i kept thinking, have i done enough? was i behaving? was i misbehaving? did i hurt her gentle heart in any ways? did i tell her enough how much she means to me? did i make her cry? did i tell her how she always made me laugh? did i make her proud? did i tell her everything is ok..?

in your lifetime.. you will meet that one person that changes everything. that made you doubted everything.

she is one of them.

I miss you horribly.

Al Fatihah.

Eid 2010

i still can't believe it has been a year since the last Eid. remember last Eid.. braxton hicks segala bagai.. 2 weeks bed rest. hehehe!

this year.. minus caveman (again) it was really2.. good! not because caveman takde masa raya la kan.. hehe.. but because the hostess with the mostess a.k.a me.. received the most unexpected guests. ever! the mushroom was packed from day 1.. until today.. raya ke.. entahla..

of course hannah had to deal with her stranger anxiety.. sometimes it was really bad my cousins were hiding under the pillows to laugh...(hannah would cry when people laugh.. its either she thinks we're laughing at her.. or she's scared of the booming sound of our laughter..which, runs in the family) ..

and the food was delis.. yumsy cheesetarts and lychee cake was a hit. both, bought. hhehehe!

here are some of my favourite photos during Eid.. and thanks to cousin yaya, hani & leli (mana daa URL blog ngkorang??), uda and the batu pahat clan.. you guys really made our raya really something la.. tee hee hee.. tahun depan datang lagi e... !

pre syawal

since caveman will be offshore this raya.. we decided to take our Raya photo earlier.. so he can take it on board with him.. awww.. how thoughtful of me.. kahkahkah!

with the help of a coffee table.. a pooch.. a book.. here's the result.

disclaimer : yes.. i need to loose those damn weight.. but hei.. m a nursing mom la..ehehhe!

hannah & kenduri

ye.. hannah akhirnya berjaya dibawa ke kenduri kahwin yang pertama dalam hidupnya. maklumlah, anak dok venice.. tak tahan panas. but since she has the cold on her way to kluang.. i thought.. nothing some sun can't help. bring out the little dress & huge headband & off we go to my chu's place for her daughter's wedding..

amazingly she was not cranky.. for she met my cousin ain.. and they fell in love almost instantly. hannah has a thing that i notice.. she does not need time to like you.. she will instantly (if she does).. and loathe you immediately, if she does. people always says.. kids can see ghost.. in hannah's case.. i think she can tell if you have what we malays call it "hati kaudu" hahah! seriously. it was a case study done by my dad.. where we shove her to many different people (sedara and non sedara alike). most of these people are people we've known all our lives.. some she loves.. some she hates. those she hates are the people yang mulut jahat.. or mulut manis tapi hati busuk.. bla bla bla. at first we thought she only liked pretty people.. well guess what.. she liked our cleaner. *LOL*

anyways.. here are some photos of her at the wedding (yes.. gambor pengantin leh dikira dengan jari).

the sun did her good.. plenty of goobers out of the way (cian tudung maklong hannah) .. and she fell asleep in the car, on our way back to my bandak's.

a year ago..

a year ago.. i lost my grandmother, whom i fondly call mak. well, solely because she is almost like one, more than a grandmother that she was.

as she gets very ill right after my wedding, i kept thinking, then, is there ever such a thing as swallowing the ugly truth. there was, as we received the news in very short notice & rescheduled our lives around her. for two months.

as i shuttle myself to & from perak and johor to nurse her, i kept thinking, am i doing enough? is it wrong for me to sometimes feel tired, frustrated, sad? then i realised, all she needs is her family. staying by her side. everything else doesn't matter. even if it is at 3am and you have not slept a wink since yesterday..

as i stood in between the mass crowd on her funeral, i realised, i would never get over this.but besides the grief, there was no regrets. i only wished the last time i met her, i should've asked for her forgiveness. if i had only known. instead all i told her was.. i'll come back again to see her. and unlike the usual "berapa hari lagi ko balik sini..?", she just stared at me.

for a year i wished someone had told me about hospice. for a year i wished i took the whole month of from work in december to be with her, instead of shuttling back & forth. for a year i wondered will there ever be anything that would take this heavy grief that lives in me..

today.. a year later.. i still miss her. i still wonder if i've done enough. i still wish i said goodbye. i still wish i didnt cry so much.

but today.. at 4am.. the usual time mak & i talk & laugh (partly due to the drug that has kicked in that made her woozy & funny) .. i sat & watch Hannah sleep. then she smile, poop, laugh, poop, smile,laugh, fart..all in her sleep. and i thought to myself.. maybe she left me because she knows Hannah's coming to fill in the gap..

Al Fatihah...

this rose was hers.. we hijacked it home from kluang..now.. it is blooming sweetly in my garden..with the sweetest smell when all the other roses just smell of, well, plant. hee

a week worth of chaos..

as much as i love my nephews.. in a group.. it is a totaly chaos. and to my horror.. in the fasting month, it is just chaotic!

the whole week was nerve wrecking.. but most of all.. i realise kids will come out with absolutely anything to get what they want. and the funniest... and most irritating conversation ever!

case in point : 1

along : opah.. bolehla saya buka. laparla
opah : tak boleh!
along : bolehla.. haus la.
opah : tak boleh!
along : saya rasa nak pengsan la..
baby : opah, opah.. dengar la ..
opah : along.. jangan ngada nak buka..
baby : opah.. dengarla.. cikgu saya cakap saya apa..
opah : nanti la kid 2..
along : saya nak air..
baby : opah!! dengar la!!
opah : apa die la??!!
baby : cikgu saya kata kan.. saya anak malaysia..
along : saya takleh buka ke?
opah : *blood pressure out of the window"

case in point : 2

along : nak air....
baby : along nak makan tak?
along : diam la..
baby : along boleh makan tak?
along : opah.. saya nak minum
baby : along.. nak makan maggi saya tak?
along : opah.. saya lapar..
baby : saya nak makan maggie. awak tak boleh.. *evil grin*

case in point : 3
along : saya nak buka
opah : jangan
along : saya nak pengsan ni
opah : jangan buka!
along : *guling2 kat dapo*
opah : *gives in*
ni paling kelakar la.. sebab i didn;t even think of this when i was 8 & fasting.. hahahah!

hee..

its all good..

we just heard yaya & her baby is doing fine.. alhamdulillah...

insyaAllah these good vibes will continue...

for my darlin' yaya..

i wish my cousin yaya reads this.. weirdly i thought i had her number.. but i didnt.. hmm..

i cried when i read her current blog entry. i know how she must be feeling right now.

hang in there darl... InsyaAllah.. you will bravely go through this, like you always do. we will be praying hard for you.

Amin..

warga ketot

saya ada adik..

adik saya seorang sahaja..

adik saya pandai..

adik saya suka belajar (tak macam saya.. tapi saya grad lagi awal.. grad cakap melayu ape?)

tapi adik saya handal dalam multimedia (in malay is.. what again??!)

check this out (i give up on the language)



dan ye.. adik saya lebih pandai sikit cakap melayu berbanding saya.

hee..

mom's the word..

Happy mothers day to mama... mwahmwahmwah *hugssssssssss* i know my first trimester is tough on you...sabor e.. lagi 6 bulan insyaAllah... teehee

and to all my peeps who are mummies...here's to you... mwahhhhhhhhhhhh!

say a little prayer..

Maksudnya : Wahai Tuhanku! Berilah kepadaku dari pihak-MU keturunan yang baik, kerana sesungguhnya Engkau mendengar doa.


Maksudnya : Wahai Tuhanku! Janganlah Engkau biarkan bersendirian walhal Engkaulah sebaik-baik waris.


a friend was asking for this.. and i think i was looking for these too for my cousins who is planning their own peep squad expansion..

say a little prayer peeps.. InsyaAllah...

notis untuk hari ini

*until further notice*
*gone to recuperate (wink)*
*selamat cuti sekolah ye..(yes, i play a big part in them)*

paying my dues..

1. paid my dues to the outlaws.. they had to leave early for Pilah so i don't have to play good menantu for 2 straight days *LOL* and please la don;t pretend i'm the only one.. hahahaha!

2. paid my dues to arwah.. went back to kluang just in time before the very nice smell at her grave faded on sunday morning. just in time. emotional. but at least now caveman understands why i put on heaps of weight whenever m back in kluang. hee.

3. paid my dues to abah.. huarghh... gaji keduaku (i.e. employer : hubby) terbang melayang.. kena ganti tayar *sobs*

4. paid my dues to myself.. not yet. still very sleepless.

40 days..

it has been 40 days.. and due to immense emotional melt down..mama is back in kluang.. so she can visit mak's grave everyday. i don't blame her. i wish i could too.

you see within 40 days, the soul of the demised will still return to their family's .. to see if you remember them (in a way of reciting the yasin, fatihah, etc).. and what not. that's why within 40 days you could almost feel them around. because they are. and sebab kubur arwah wangi.. sometimes it lasts only for 40 days. some for months. i have an aunt, the smell is still there until now. years later.

so this morning she mms me this photo. almost made me cry. almost. i know i shouldn't the blue diamond i planted was still there. yey.

mama bagitau kubur mak wangi lagi.

to all you peeps who have heard on the fact some people do get their grave smelling really2 good (the smell is very difficult to describe..very flowery but not overwhelming), here is what i conclude (from observation of arwah mak & other relatives who has had it) :

1. berzikir (she once told us the tasbihat is the easiest.. and the best .. subhannallah, alhamdullilah, la ila ha illallah, allahuakbhar)
2. jangan cerita keburukan suami

there were others... but the majority reason was this.

so.. take heed peeps. insyaAllah..

tazkirah plak gua pagi2.. hehe!

in loving memory...

a couple of weeks ago we received a very sad news.. my parents' bestfriend.. our old neighbour.. my cikgu mengaji .. has passed away. and the saddest thing is.. we only found out after the funeral. the last time we saw him was during my wedding. at that point .. he can't see anymore.. due to chronic diabetes. but he came anyway.. and met all his old friends. i was so glad i made my rounds then, i wouldn't get to talk to anyone (especially him) had i became a typical melayu bride & did only the usual bersanding, makan berdamai, bersanding lagi, bergambor tak abis..

my heart goes out to Aunty Pah's family..

Alfatihah...

V day irony..

V day anyone? i have never celebrated valentine's. not in school.. not in uni (i dont consider getting flowers & chocolates a celebration).. not even after i've started working. not because of the it - was - paderi - punya - hari day fiasco.. but because i would either be :

a. single during V-day
b. dating but broke up just in time for V-day

caveman doesn't even know when valentine is.. (geng caveman memang rupe ini gamaknye) and he was never around during V-day. he was in Rotterdam when we were dating.. in Kemaman when we were engaged. and today he's in labuan.

not that i mind.. i think V-day is sooo overrated. do i really need to wait for that tengah bulan dua (time gaji takde lak tu) to get pressies? eeeeeee... but for those who loves it.. Happy Valentine's Day to you peeps.. *grin*

so today to avoid all the V-day specials on telly.. my parents & i drove to Ipoh, Jalan Kuala Kangsar precisely.. as we find out KK Home Deco has opened its branch there. wee!! it was huge. and we had a field day. as Jln Kuala Kangsar is also home to many, many nurseries & pots & gardening stores. murahhh wooo.... but there werent many flowers. only pots.

we came home with a new set of teacups & teapots (i have a thing for teapots).. a cute ceramic telephone.. a purple teapot (get my drift??) .. and a few other nonsense...

anything to avoid the telly v day specials.. *LOL*

30 days... and counting

a certain mellowness hit the mushroom last night. then i realised it was the 30th day after her demise.

i could still remember it just like it was yesterday. i probably will, every other day onwards. i got the news at 7.45pm.. and sat emotionless next to her at 4am. reality hasn't sunk in as she looked like she was sleeping. smiling. her eyes were teary, and 3/4 closed. i kid you not. i stayed next to her the next 2 hours, weeping. even in my sleep.

after subuh.. everyone was up again.. reciting the yassin.. over & over again. it still hasn't hit me. i guess i was still in shock. i touched her hands & it was cold right down to the mattress. i touched it again & again & i wished i didn't have to let go of it. her arms were soft, just as it always been after every johnson's moment *grin*

my brothers arrived & i was never as relieved to see them that morning. my second brother.. mak's sweetie.. broke down a million tears as he kissed her. i still haven't.. since the night before. cos it still hasn't hit me.

as people swarmed my aunt's home.. i kept my position, which, to stay by her side. the moment she was taken out for mandi jenazah.. i felt my head exploded as the realisation is setting in. slowly.

it was only when we were called to kiss her one last time that i finally lost it. consistently reminded that i am not allowed to cry (weeping is allowed).. i finally stop for a minute to kiss her goodbye. i lost it. it felt like a dream. i will never kiss her again. and that hurts. but the big blow was when her kafan was closed.. finally. i have never felt so losta and hurt. ever. i will never see her again. i kept thinking .. this ain't right.. i cannot go on like this.

hearing her name during the doa was probably the hardest part. it is when reality hits you. in your face. finally. i ran to her grave as they were already half way through (damn traffic slowed us). my brother was lucky enough as he was in the van himself.

it was sunny. and windy. but the moment the talkin started.. it got windy. and drizzled. we stayed on. i couldn't even feel my feet. the moment the talkin ended.. it was sunny again. i just thought, at this moment.. she had the perfect ending. the tears streamed from everyone, her daughters, her sons, her SILs, her cousins, her bestfriends, her grandchildren.. even the imam.

after it all ended.. it was then i realised how crowded that cemetery was. the free hugs were a big help.. thanks all..

last night i saw my mom lost it. finally. and it is such a pity. cos there is nothing i could do to cheer her up. cos i'm still lost.

sigh.

i so need ayam goreng mcd.

masa saya kecik2...

yaya.. this is a reply to your entry... *evil laugh*

i found these super cute photos (aku comot la tapi.. these a re my comot years LOL) of anwar (my brother), yaya & her brother boy.. i think i was probably 8 or 9.. sebab aku comot.. so aku scan je kecik2.. *LOL*

yaya's dad (my pakteh.. abah's younger brother) was an avid photographer. he took many of our early years photos. especially of my first brother while they were all staying together in JB.

the first was taken in teluk batik... gile suka la mandi laut time tu (sekarang pun.. but i've upgraded la kan.. tak kisah la baper kali dalam 1 century wa gi diving kan hahah)

the second was infront of my parent's. see how tiny my little brother was.

and the third was probably at the navy's muzium or something.. i bet our abahs made us stand there. haha!

there was another photo.. which resembled us very much in the future.. i can't believe i forgot to scan them... just you wait.. hee

ttc..

last year.. i played my bridezilla card well.. well.. at least i thought i did ok.. *LOL*

my mom (especially) was relieved after the whole fiasco was done. she thought (or so she thought) that the whole "awak bile lagi..??" phase is over. no more answering nauseating questions of when m tying the knot.. ladadidalalala...

or so she thought..

now.. (or, 2 weeks after our wedding to precise) .. its a whole new game plan. a whole new set of questions. i get the :

"dah ada isi??"
"bile lagi ni?? " (bila lagi apekejadahnye lagi??!!) *&^&#$%&#&&!!!
"gemoknya.. ada isi ke?? (ini aku paling angin sekali a kan..as if 1 year of dieting (2008) is just merely not eating.. give me a break laa!let me have my freakin carb!)

well.. i must admit.. it's not easy for some people. and i'm one of them. few years ago i was going to many, many doctors claiming extreme cramps. well, as predicted.. all of them said it would go away once i get married. totally pissed off.. but i believed a lot of my peeps (and other girls) take these advices & walk away. you know what.. don't. we never know what's happening inside (as in the case of a dear friend of mine who had exact same symptom as i did).

i finally went to an obgyn.. whom now i visit regularly.. and finally i get my diagnose. it was endometriosis. endo what on earth? malas la gua nak explain kan.. sebab dulu pun gua ade explain but it fell on deaf ears to many *LOL* so my point is.. (and i do have one) .. endometriosis, cycts, inverted uterus.. you name it.. i've been through it. i was on the pill.. danazol (where they stop your peds for 6 months.. i was practically going through mini menopause! hee).. i no longer have the painful part (insyaAllah).. but whatever that comes with endometriosis.. i still have to bear it.

one of which.. the conceiving part. as you may wonder how people get preggers like mouses & cats.. well.. that doesn't happen to some of us *LOL* so now m on clomid.. hopefully some magic happens when caveman comes back *grin* but all this nutrition & meds to get me preggers are making me festively plump.. hehe!

until then... just shut it ok?

*evil laugh*

a breather..

looking back at mama's old pics.. there were many to laugh at. we try to reduce our melancholic mood to a minimal. people (especially mama's siblings) were always wondering how come Taman Hijau has the most of old pics. even of our arwah Tok Nyang's. what can i say.. my parents are a sucker of vintage *LOL*

here are some of those extremely rare (and priceless) collection :





no worries... more "antiques" to come..