30 days... and counting

a certain mellowness hit the mushroom last night. then i realised it was the 30th day after her demise.

i could still remember it just like it was yesterday. i probably will, every other day onwards. i got the news at 7.45pm.. and sat emotionless next to her at 4am. reality hasn't sunk in as she looked like she was sleeping. smiling. her eyes were teary, and 3/4 closed. i kid you not. i stayed next to her the next 2 hours, weeping. even in my sleep.

after subuh.. everyone was up again.. reciting the yassin.. over & over again. it still hasn't hit me. i guess i was still in shock. i touched her hands & it was cold right down to the mattress. i touched it again & again & i wished i didn't have to let go of it. her arms were soft, just as it always been after every johnson's moment *grin*

my brothers arrived & i was never as relieved to see them that morning. my second brother.. mak's sweetie.. broke down a million tears as he kissed her. i still haven't.. since the night before. cos it still hasn't hit me.

as people swarmed my aunt's home.. i kept my position, which, to stay by her side. the moment she was taken out for mandi jenazah.. i felt my head exploded as the realisation is setting in. slowly.

it was only when we were called to kiss her one last time that i finally lost it. consistently reminded that i am not allowed to cry (weeping is allowed).. i finally stop for a minute to kiss her goodbye. i lost it. it felt like a dream. i will never kiss her again. and that hurts. but the big blow was when her kafan was closed.. finally. i have never felt so losta and hurt. ever. i will never see her again. i kept thinking .. this ain't right.. i cannot go on like this.

hearing her name during the doa was probably the hardest part. it is when reality hits you. in your face. finally. i ran to her grave as they were already half way through (damn traffic slowed us). my brother was lucky enough as he was in the van himself.

it was sunny. and windy. but the moment the talkin started.. it got windy. and drizzled. we stayed on. i couldn't even feel my feet. the moment the talkin ended.. it was sunny again. i just thought, at this moment.. she had the perfect ending. the tears streamed from everyone, her daughters, her sons, her SILs, her cousins, her bestfriends, her grandchildren.. even the imam.

after it all ended.. it was then i realised how crowded that cemetery was. the free hugs were a big help.. thanks all..

last night i saw my mom lost it. finally. and it is such a pity. cos there is nothing i could do to cheer her up. cos i'm still lost.

sigh.

i so need ayam goreng mcd.