Friday, 15 January 2010
a year ago..
a year ago.. i lost my grandmother, whom i fondly call mak. well, solely because she is almost like one, more than a grandmother that she was.
as she gets very ill right after my wedding, i kept thinking, then, is there ever such a thing as swallowing the ugly truth. there was, as we received the news in very short notice & rescheduled our lives around her. for two months.
as i shuttle myself to & from perak and johor to nurse her, i kept thinking, am i doing enough? is it wrong for me to sometimes feel tired, frustrated, sad? then i realised, all she needs is her family. staying by her side. everything else doesn't matter. even if it is at 3am and you have not slept a wink since yesterday..
as i stood in between the mass crowd on her funeral, i realised, i would never get over this.but besides the grief, there was no regrets. i only wished the last time i met her, i should've asked for her forgiveness. if i had only known. instead all i told her was.. i'll come back again to see her. and unlike the usual "berapa hari lagi ko balik sini..?", she just stared at me.
for a year i wished someone had told me about hospice. for a year i wished i took the whole month of from work in december to be with her, instead of shuttling back & forth. for a year i wondered will there ever be anything that would take this heavy grief that lives in me..
today.. a year later.. i still miss her. i still wonder if i've done enough. i still wish i said goodbye. i still wish i didnt cry so much.
but today.. at 4am.. the usual time mak & i talk & laugh (partly due to the drug that has kicked in that made her woozy & funny) .. i sat & watch Hannah sleep. then she smile, poop, laugh, poop, smile,laugh, fart..all in her sleep. and i thought to myself.. maybe she left me because she knows Hannah's coming to fill in the gap..
this rose was hers.. we hijacked it home from kluang..now.. it is blooming sweetly in my garden..with the sweetest smell when all the other roses just smell of, well, plant. hee